Two years ago on this very day, right down to the very minute that this blog post went live, my life changed. It was a rough road to get to where I am today, and to tell you the truth I had hoped that by this time I would have some sort of resolution for you...
But I don't.
What I can tell you is what I have lost and gained along the way. In the early months following my accident, I lost my faith. I lost my faith in the God of my childhood, faith in love, romance, and the power of prayer. I learned to forgive and to release others of my expectations, and to let go of the desire to control things that were far out of my grasp.
What I gained was humility. I learned that I am indeed small in the larger working of things, but not so small that I am rendered insignificant. I am worthy of happiness, but only if I am able to fight for it, work for it, and ask for it. I learned that accident or no accident, we all stumble through life terrified of waking up alone...and that some of us are alone in different ways than others. I learned the power of censorship. I have removed many of the personal essays here on A Mused Blog - not because they no longer held value, but because I learned that others will often listen not out of concern, but out of comparison; is there a better way to lift one's mood than to hear the misery of others? I learned to be careful with whom I share my secrets.
Above all what I gained was hope. The last two years of my twenties are a blur. They were swallowed by the same darkness that Nietzsche wrote about; the kind that will consume you if dwelt upon too long. This same time last year I gave myself a goal: If I made it this far, if I was ok...If somehow that spark of love, joy, and hope could still sensed, however faint it was...I would return to Paris. I would return to the city that held me, coddled me, and nearly destroyed me. I would return to it stronger, happier, and above all, victorious. For if there is one thing I know Paris can do, it is to turn a spark into a roaring flame. Let's see what happens.
August 25th cannot come soon enough!