A Lifestyle blog based in Sonoma County, in the heart of Wine Country. Amber is an outspoken voice for local activism, local wine tourism, and more.

Talking About It

I’m trying to avoid a cliche follow up to my previous essay, We Don't Talk About This. I don’t want to say “I’m better now!” or, “wow, glad that I made it through that one.” because the truth is, death lingers.

It is a sneaking awful thought, one that sits on my shoulder like a heavy lead sparrow of death. Sometimes I feel the weight of him, and others I don’t. Sometimes it arrives in an innocent way: little nagging reminders that someday, I will be gone. The sense of urgency - the sense that I'm not doing enough, or accomplishing enough before my "time is up" is crippling. And also incredibly annoying, because sometimes I just want a normal trip to Trader Joe’s, where I am left to contemplate various flavors of yogurt, and not my impending sense of doom.

I want so much in this life. And, I want when the time comes, to welcome death as an old friend - not as a rebound from the pains of life. I want to be here. I want to hold onto the hope of an unknown tomorrow. I know that life knocks me down - in 2019 it curb stomped me. I have to accept this or I will never move forward. Life knocks me down - but I want to continue to find the will to get back up.

The heartbreak of this past year has been deep, and layered. The times that I questioned my self worth and my value, gave way to periods of loneliness that had me questioning the ‘need’ to be here. But surely, there is a need. A need to experience the smallest of connections and interactions of what it means to be alive: such as an insect smacking directly into my cheek while buzzing by in a park. (Do you ever wonder where they are going? A social function, perhaps?)

I am afraid of loneliness. By this I mean I am afraid of not being wanted, needed, or missed. I am afraid of needing others more than they want, or need me. This is what loneliness is to me - to be in a greater place of need than others.

Still, though it may vary in size from week to week, or even day to day, the desire to experience both the big and small moments of life survives within me. The people in my life today I did not know four years ago. I hold on to that - because if life can change so much in such a short time, surely I must continue, because who knows what life can hold? I try to tell myself that change is neither good nor bad - that change is life and that to experience it is to be alive.

And that’s what I want: to live, and to be alive.


If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicide, please don't wait. Reach out to someone who can help. A great place to start is is the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. 
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A Mused Blog | A Northern California Sonoma County Blog