The Skirt



Can you believe it's almost July? This year "July" means so much more to me that it ever did in the past. Mainly because after July comes August, and August will never again mean "birthday month" to me, but rather will forever mean "August 13th, 2013" to me. I cannot believe it's been almost a year since my accident. I am so thankful for so many things and for how far I have come since that horrible day. That being said, I am also angry for other things. This accident has wrecked absolute hell on my life. Much of it I have not shared on here...partly because I haven't quite figured out how to express myself on the subject, and partly because I don't know how much I am allowed to say. My heart still stops every time I enter a crosswalk. There are places I refuse to walk by, let alone look at. There are items in my closet that I haven't been able to wear...
Like this skirt.


The last time I wore this skirt was the morning of my accident. I remember being excited because I had paid to have it altered to fit, and I was finally getting to wear it to work. It's actually one of the two items from my outfit that day that have survived. My white purse that I was carrying that day was ruined from the impact. One of my sandals that I had been wearing was torn off my ankle. 



In the months following my accident, I became obsessed with getting the road stains out of my skirt. I soaked it; I carefully worked to rub out the marks. In a fit of rage I attacked another garment from that day, trying to tear it apart at the seams. Eventually, the bruises and the marks faded. And with that fading, so did the concern of my friends and loved ones. I looked "okay" on the outside. Slipping farther away from those around me, daily social activities began to feel like obstacles of Olympian magnitude. At first I had been terrified of being left alone...Now it was all I wanted. 

The internet is a strange place. Completely devoid of reality, we try to make our lives appear as normal as possible. In the months following my accident I tried to imitate life as usual. I posted photos of myself smiling and joking as usual, occasionally letting my struggle slip through. I almost didn't make it. In the weeks that followed my grandfathers death, I dealt with my darkest hours of both self hatred, and hatred of others. Since that day in August, there hasn't been a day where I haven't been in pain. Psychotherapy has been my lifeline. I don't think I would be here today if it wasn't for my therapist. 


Which brings me back to my skirt. I haven't worn it since my accident. I got all the stains out. This is a big moment for me, and I'm so happy that I'm here to share it with you.

30 comments

Rhea said...

You have the most adorable hair!
Xx
Rhea
www.fuss.co.in

Rachelle said...

Lovely photos and sorry to hear about your accident, I had two last year and thankfully I was ok but I know how scary they can be.

xo
​PinkSole​

Jessica (What To Style) said...

Beautiful look and pictures. Amazing bag!

http://whattostyle.blogspot.com/

xoxo,
Jess

Samantha Owens said...

Beautiful photos, and I'm happy that you shared this with us. You're allowed to say whatever you need to, whatever will help you. I'm glad that you're still here to tell us the story. <3

Dayle Pereira said...

I'm glad you shared it with us & I'm so happy to see you being you again, Amber :)


http://www.stylefile.in

Natasha Solae said...

Idk where to start...I love your hair! Your curls are so pretty & bouncy and I love how you paired this lacy shirt with that skirt!

While I don't know much about your accident..it seems like something you're still working through. Keep good faith--I know how difficult it can be to move past traumatic things!


xo, N
www.natashasolae.com

Monipeggy said...

Thank you for visit me! I like your blog and your look! Very pretty! Kisses
El blog de Monipeggy

sprinklesofstyle said...

This is such a lovely outfit - you look gorgeous!! :)


Layla xx


www.sprinklesofstyle.co.uk

Lisette Pool said...

You look so cute in that outfit, I love it! The pictures are really nice as well!

Love, Lisette
www.247stylish.com

Jessica (What To Style) said...

Have a great day! =)

http://whattostyle.blogspot.com/

xoxo,
Jess

Shybiker said...

*sigh* I'm sorry, dear. Really. I hear you, I knew from your description that this event was having serious effects on you. I hope you improve physically and emotionally.

Barry said...

Every so often you write something that makes me wish I were there to explain how truly happy it makes me for you.

I think wearing this skirt is very indicative of the progress you've made over the past ten months. Experiences like your accident can bring out things you’ve never felt before. What was once familiar becomes unknown, strange and threatening. It turns you inside out and it's scary, and it can be a long road trying to find that person you'd recognize as yourself again through the dark days. I didn't even tell Sandy everything I was feeling after mine because I wasn't sure myself how I was feeling, or why.

People don't see those bruises and scars on the inside, they're a painful thing to internalize. But I think it's often easier putting on a brave face and giving people the you they expect rather than facing the unwanted questions and attention, regardless of how well-intentioned and loving they are. Easier than the seemingly impossible task of trying to make others understand what you're going through.

This skirt and what it now represents is a monumental hurdle that you've overcome. There are still some things to get through, but I see this as a very concrete reminder that in time, you will. I believe that with everything I have.

Highheels & Tutus said...

I love the skirt and I am so happy to hear that you are finally able to wear it again!

www.highheelsandtutus.com

Vale said...

These photos are so beautiful, and your post really touched my heart. Yes, we all try to be as ok as possible on the internet, and this is also why it's beautiful you shared a post with your inner thoughts. This is not just a skirt, it's a symbol of your journey now. Scars on the inside take a longer time to heal, but I feel you're on a good path. Big hugs !

Fashion and Cookies

Agnes W said...

Lovely photos! You've made a simple outfit look so stylish!

House of Illusions

ELISA said...

sooo pretty! <3

Nameless Fashion Blog
New fashion website, check it out!

Kate Amunrud said...

Love this skirt, and that first photo of you is GREAT!

Kim A. said...

What you went through was such a traumatic experience Amber. Anyone would feel the same way. I'm glad you sought professional help. That was smart. You are improving. It takes time doll. It's little steps. You look gorgeous!

Karishma said...

There is something about your photographs that is so.. magical! Lovely blog you have hun :)

www.gingersnapsxoxo.com

dim_3fs said...

Sooooo pretty skirt! Love it!

http://www.3forfabulousfashion.blogspot.com

-Movies on my Mind- said...

Wow, look at all the positive feedback you got on this post, Amber. You've got major supporters out there. You do seem to have been through the mill, however. I guess there's fear mixed with anger, which is a nasty combo. Too many body and spiritual blows delivered all at once, it seems.

Rashi, the Medieval French Rabbi, said: "Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you." Things are easier that way, though it's easier said than done.

Amber said...

Thank you so much Vale :) I see my skirt as a symbol of my journey for sure.

Amber said...

Thank you! My therapist says I'm about 80% of the way there :)

Amber said...

Wow I'm so sorry to hear that!! I hope that you were able to get the help that you needed for those.

Milu said...

Oh wow this was such a great post. I'm so sorry about your accident and about all the bad experiences you had last year in August. Because you are able to share this with your readers, I can see you are feeling better and you are moving forward with your live so I'm very happy for you. The skirt is beautiful, but what it makes it even more beautiful is the meaning it has for your :) love this outfit. I stopped by your blog for the first time and I'm loving it. I invite you to visit my blog and I hope you would like to follow each other to stay in touch.
XOXO

Milu
www.hellolupi.blogspot.com

Jhirae said...

Thanks for sharing that. Glad you're in a better space.


www.LavishLibra.com

Olivia said...

It sounds like you have had your obstacles to overcome but take each day as a blessing. You are here and alive and surrounded by people who love you and care for you. This year was a milestone for you... maybe a little bit more difficult than previous years but I hope that the following year will be easier for you. And the year after that, even more. Good luck!
xo Olivia

Joyce Kinney said...

The soaking and caring for your skirt has paid off...(note the metaphor.)
You are beautiful, celebrate you.

Stadin Style said...

Love, love the look!! (Seriously) The bag is so beautiful!!

http://www.stadinstyle.helsinkids.fi/

Kimberley Pavao said...

Your images are beyond stunning! Keep your head up :)

Eleventh & Sixteenth

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